A Life Lesson in Letting Go

As I sit here tonight, in tears, I am learning the heart-wrenching lesson of letting go. Kylie has all but given up nursing. She has not nursed in over 48 hours and still tonight as she went down refused. This has been the hardest week of my life - letting go of nursing. A lactation consultant said it best when she said that I will "grieve." It is almost as if someone VERY close has died - those are the intense, huge feelings that are pouring from my innermost soul as I type. She doesn't need me anymore - not for that at least. I know she needs me for other things, but that one single part of our lives is all but over now. I must let go, as if I am letting go of a close family member, or best friend. I am grieving - my soul hurts for that closeness. It is crazy because some of my friends are saying, "awesome! that means you are done!" Oh, but if they could feel. Stephen grabbed a bottle and fed her one last feeding of the day and rocked her to sleep. Now, don't get me wrong - I am elated that he can do that because he never got to with Elijah. I would always nurse him to sleep - but to think that I am letting go so much earlier than I had planned - it hurts - it is so sad.

Then, as I got Elijah ready for bed and was rocking him and starting to read, daddy came in - Elijah asked "are you going to read to me, daddy?" Of course Stephen was going to say, "Sure!" And I wouldn't have wanted anything else - but usually Elijah demands mommy for reading and rock rock. Not tonight - again - the agonizing lesson of letting go. He didn't need mommy tonight - he needed daddy. That is so wonderful, it is truly great - but deep in my soul - I hurt again.

These feelings are so intense - so powerful - that my whole body feels them. I am sitting here in the living room alone - and for the first time in almost 2 1/2 years I feel as though my children don't 100% need mommy - and in my mind I KNOW that is a good thing - that is a great and wonderful thing. Isn't that how what we want our children to be, independent, confident, self-assured? This is a good thing , right? Then why in the world does it feel like somebody ripped out my heart....this letting go - letting go of nursing, letting go of being #1 in my sons life, loosening up my hold a little - the whole process hurts - and this is just the beginning - what in the heck am I going to do when Elijah goes to Pre-School next year?!?!??!


For Elijah and Kylie:

I touched my belly and felt you move for the first time
My sweet, sweet little boy
You came into this world and my heart quickly became yours
I looked at you - your tiny hands, your sweet lips, your round tummy, little toes
You needed every bit of mommy to live, to survive

My sweet boy grew
Now you walk and talk
You no longer need me to feed you or dress you
You are such a "big boy"
You love your trains and cars
When I think that just two years ago
you were so helpless, so little
It takes my breath away

Darling, my darling little daughter
only nine months ago you were inside me
You were tossing and turning
We could not wait to meet you and welcome you to the family
You had the tinest little fingers and toes - all warped up in a pink blanket.
I wanted you with me all the time - to hold you so close.

Now you are nine months old
You are so independent -
almost walking, eating, saying "mama"
My sweet little girl - growing up too fast.

As you both grow
I, too, grow
I am stretched in so many ways -
You both have made me a better person
My life has deeper meaning because of you both
My innermost soul loves you with all that I have
and that will NEVER change...

_______________________________________________________________

My Baby Boy and Me

Its 3 am they're all asleep
And no one's here to see
As we rock slowly back and forth
My Baby Boy and Me.

His little head is feather light
tucked up against my chin
I hold his tiny hand in mine
and stroke his baby skin.

The house about us creaks and groans
the clock hands creep around
He snuggles closer to me still
and makes his baby sounds.

I love these quiet hours so much
and cherish every one
store memories up inside my heart
for lonely nights to come.

All too soon he'll be grown up
his need for Mama gone
but until then I still have time
for kisses and for song.

Time for quiet hours like this
with him cuddled in my arms
where I wish he'd always stay
protected safe and warm.

And yet I know the day will come
when this tiny little hand
will be much bigger than my own
he'll grow to be a man.

But until then he's mine to love
with no one here to see
as we rock slowly back and forth
my baby boy and me.

~ Jane Triplett ~