The Circle Goes Round

I have a confession to make.

One that I have found (with much, much relief) happiness to even the best of mommies.

I lost it with Elijah yesterday. Completely, utterly, 100% lost my temper with my 3 year old to the point of wanting to RUN out of the house and not come back.

Now, I know this....well....it happens. Stephen is gone - the kids miss him - I miss him - things are different and we are all adapting to the new season of life. There is grace for this. All of this I know....

However, as I grow in my relationship with God I have begun to realize that there are "roots" to these kind of "happenings." Roots that grow SO deep in ones' self that you have no idea where the long and twisted root begins.

After a night of MUCH needed replenishment and deposits of love and worship at church - my mind slowly began to unfog from my blow up. I began to consider the root of this, which, I might add - goes deep.

First of all - Jesus has been nudging me for some real one-on-one time first thing in the morning. NOT to go back to the legalistic thought of "I MUST DO MY QUIET TIME" - but a sense of longing from my Jesus to spend time with me early in the morning.

Confession #2 - I fought God on this one. My bed is so stinking comfortable. I have this wonderful, amazing mattress pad and down comforter....me, me, me, myself myself myself - doubt doubt doubt in God's provision.

So, as I lay in my bed the morning of the blow-up fighting God on WHY I should spend more time sleeping instead of spending time with My Creator...I drifted back into a deep sleep.

The rest of the morning basically sucked. One thing led to another and I ended up blowing up at my Elijah. As I look back on the event - I should have wondered if his hair and eyebrows would be burned by the FIRE coming out of my mouth....also, wondering if my horns are still there from that event and if my scepter is leaning against the wall behind the door. In other words - I was really really mean to him....REALLY....

That being said - as my alarm woke me up at 6am this morning and the quiet beckoning of my Jesus filled my heart and mind - you would THINK I would have jumped up and into time with Him. Boy, was I an Israelite this morning. I argued with Jesus for 15 minutes....

Finally, I got up and into the Word. First Jesus took me through some pretty hard stuff....

Exodus 11:9 - God is in authority, not me. Pharaoh was so hardened by disbelief that it took the loss of his SON to wake him up to the fact that GOD IS IN CONTROL.

Jeremiah 26 - God warns people that if they don't turn from their sin toward Him that he will destroy the Temple. He told the religious people to:

Honor God

Revere God

Stand in Awe of Him

Walk with Him

Live good lives

Live Righteous lives

Turn from sin

OK - Yes that is hard stuff to take, but the root of it is not.

The first sentence in Malachi says "I have loved you deeply, says the Lord." He told the religious people to honor, revere, stand in awe, walk, live good lives and righteous lives and turn from sin, why?

BECAUSE HE LOVED THEM AND "WANTED TO BRING LIFE AND PEACE."

I sat there thinking, "Will He take Elijah away from me because I can't give up that sin of anger?" (By the way, I have dealt with ANGER for a long, long time....)

Will He "destroy my temple" if I don't obey.....?

I think the point God wanted to make to me was that HE IS TO BE HONORED - HE IS IN CONTROL not boxed up like the world does him - this God that only is needed in times of deep trouble...buddy, HE is God and is to be Honored....period.

As I began to ask Jesus was the ROOT to my anger was....this is what I wrote in my journal...

1.Find myself in a situation out of my control

2.Start to doubt, disbelieve that God is there....Where ARE you God?!?

3.Become disapointed in God

4. BLAME God

5. Get TICKED at God

6. Hopelessness sets in - I will never, ever be different..I'm stuck

7. Giving up - Releasing control BACK to God

That could be an endless circle - unless...

I give up control right off the bat.

Every, single morning telling God, "You are in control, I know you love me and have the best for me, I want to know you, spend time with you - YOU ARE IN CONTROL."

The verse "Take up your cross DAILY and walk with Me" comes to mind.

So, really God knew best when He beckoned me that morning - HE knew that day would be hard and wanted my heart filled for it. I denied Him and my "Temple was destroyed." (I don't believe that He caused Elijah and Kylie to become crazy leading up to my blow up - He just KNEW ahead of time that they would be crazy and KNEW that I would need Him) Sounds hopeless right?

Here is the catch - Because Jesus came and died on the cross for ALL my sins, knowing every, single sin I would ever commit, I have freedom to fail. Not that I can just go and do knowingly bad things (even though once you ask Jesus into your heart NOTHING can take that away).

Point is - Even though God knew what was best for me and I chose the opposite with devastating outcomes....He is faithful to forgive me, He will beckon me again, He loves me, He chooses me for BIG things, He won't let me fall, He knows every good plan he has for me....

In the end - GOD IS GOOD.

Lesson of the day -

GIVE UP CONTROL to God EVERY SINGLE DAY - He loves you deeply and wants to led you into "green pastures" and "beside still waters" all the days of your life.