Under Construction: Body Image

For a while now I have been letting Jesus so some reconstruction in an area of my life that I have kinda held as an "Off Limits" area...my weight.

As I think back through my life I wonder where my body image got off kilter...

Growing up I was always athletic. I played lots of sports, I was always thin and never really even gave one thought to my body. I am sitting here trying to think about high school too. I don't recall having one single bad thought about how my body looked even then. I was very active in volleyball and was on the go constantly. I ate anything and everything I wanted, however I do recall one time I ate a whole 10 piece Chicken Nugget and made myself throw it up.

What made me do that, I can't even begin to tell you. I can remember feeling too full and being overcome by guilt and so I wanted to get rid of that feeling. I honestly felt better afterward and really didn't think anything of it.

It was almost at that point the pure and innocent way I thought about my body was tarnished. I started taking notice of other girls bodies and comparing.

I never really binged and purged on a regular basis. Thank GOD that didn't stick with me, however it did happen many more times throughout those next few years only to stop and I really never have thought much about it since.

In college I worked out CONSTANTLY and it was then I met a good friend who was Anorexic. For some reason she almost glorified the condition and made it sound sexy. Guys would pay her lots of attention, even though she was going through inward HELL...her body was thin and she seemed in control. I think I remember staying to myself that I could never be Anorexic, but that I will NEVER-EVER be fat.

So there I was...I had picked up COMPARISON, EXTREME THINKING (over working out, putting unrealistic goals onto myself), PERFORMANCE (to get attention from guys and others "oh you look so thin!"), WORRY (about food and working out) ---and probably more ---I was carrying all of that around and had NO freedom at all in my mind about my body, food or working out.

I always had a consistent voice in my head saying, 'don't get fat, don't get fat, don't get fat...."

Inwardly, it felt like a war. I knew down deep that I shouldn't be a slave to my body image thoughts, but had absolutely no way of knowing how not to be. I would eat a lot and feel guilty. I would then workout a LOT to not try and feel guilty. I was never at peace with any of it, even though I desperately wanted to be.

After surrendering my life to Jesus, I honestly see myself in a whole new light...

1. Upon surrendering my life to Jesus I recieved the Holy Spirit and with that the power to tell all those untrue voices to LEAVE me. I didn't have that before. I was a SLAVE to them...

2 Cor. 316–18 Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

2. Since the veil was removed and I am walking in a relationship with GOD I can ask Him questions. I remember the first time I asked God what He thought of me...the words came flowing from my hand onto a piece of paper like they never have before. Words like "unique, chosen, loved, adored, cheered-for, sought after, enough, the love of my life...and on and on and on....

It has taken a while for me to actually believe these words are true of me. I figure if he was right about the whole Jesus died on the cross and now I am free and forgiven thing - I can believe him when I read verses like...

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them

Psalm 139:13-16 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

And there are SO many more....http://www.openbible.info/topics/body_image

As I look down at my body honestly what are my first thoughts....
1. Oh I need to work out
2. My legs could be more defined
3. I shouldn't have eaten (fill in the blank)
4. I shouldn't have pigged out this past weekend
5. How crappy am I going to look in a bathing suit next week
6. I have gained weight since Stephen left...YIKES!!!!!

Not ONE SINGLE SOLITARY nice thing....NOT ONE.

So in essence am I saying to God...what you have made is not good enough, the GIFT of this body is not (thin enough, tone enough, tan enough....)....?!?!

SO how do I stop this cycle...how do I become steady in the area?

Open it up to God.

And that is where I have found myself...I am ready to open this area up to God and let Him come into it, heal it, recover it, and seal it with His truth. There is NOTHING BUT FREEDOM when you do that...so here we go God.

My Prayer Today:

I open the area of my body image, food, weight, working out, dieting, clothing size and comparisons up to YOU. Please forgive me God where I have listened to lies about myself. Please forgive me for all the comparisons I have made and for all of the jealously I have walked in. Please forgive me for saying that the GIFT you have given me of a healthy body is not good enough (or will never be). Please forgive me for harming my body (Your Temple) by starving myself, binging, purging and working out too intensely. Please forgive me for being angry at you for not helping me while trying to go my own way. Please forgive me for wanting my body to look a certain way or fit into a certain size SO desperately that those thoughts have become idols in my heart. Please forgive me for not listening to you about how beautiful, wonderful, creative, healthy and intricately made my body is. Please forgive me Jesus for these and anywhere else I have disobeyed you in this area of my life. Please come and cleanse this area of my life with your truth. I am ready to trust you 100% in this area. I am ready to be 100% lead by you in this area. I am ready to lay this area down at your feet and surrender it to You for healing, recovery and freedom. Help me to discern LIES about my body quickly and renounce them. Help me to learn the TRUTH about my body and believe it. Please guide me to freedom in this area that I made be used to bring freedom to others in Your name. I know you only want the best for me because you are my Dad. You never intended my body to be used for bad...It was a gift from you which you worked delicately and loving on. You knew my body in my mother's womb and you couldn't WAIT for me to be born to see the fruits of your work. You were there when I drew my first breath of life, when I surrendered my heart to You and you are here now as I begin to trust you with an area of my life that has caused such pain. You love me, you desire me, you never reject me, you never criticize me, you never deject me, you never compare me and you never are disappointed in me. You will never, ever give up on me and you are always near me. My life is yours and everything in it... Amen